Evans Syndrome Relapse and Chemo

So I just wanted to let everybody know that I went to the doctor this morning, and my Evans Syndrome is back. This weekend I'll be taking a high dose steroid to make my immune system stable, then on Monday I go in for an 8 hour chemo treatment. The three Mondays after that as well.

I Feel So Stuck

I feel like I'm stuck in time in my current station in life.

I have no job, not many friends, no talents, no hobbies, nothing to show for my life up thus far. I have a boyfriend who I care about very much, and who cares about me too. For that I'm lucky. I'm lucky for the few friends I have.

But I know that I have one thing I can always count on. My body failing me and betraying me. For late April to come along and make me stress and cry and think about how I'll never see my dad again. I've noticed that the lymph node underneath my left arm has been steadily growing larger and larger in the past few months. It's getting so large now that it's extremely uncomfortable to relax my arm at my side, to get comfortable in any position, to sleep. It even throbs sometimes and hurts. I haven't been feeling particularly well, but not horrible either. I haven't noticed if I'm feeling like my counts are up or down or what. I'm really worried about my lymph node and I discovered that there's another one right beside it that is enlarged, and another one in my neck which is smaller than the ones under my arm, but still is pretty big. I made an appointment with Dr. Reynolds for Friday. I'm so scared.

I'm stressed out, because I don't even know if I'll have medical insurance next month. I have medical bills that haven't been covered by my medical coupons. I have a credit card bill I haven't paid in six months because I can't afford it. I don't have a job, because I can't get around town to apply, and I'm too scared to even apply because what if I have to spend the next six months in and out of the hospital again? I don't want to put Sean through it, I don't want to put my mom through it again. And I sure as hell don't want to go through it again.

All I want is to go back in time and somehow figure out how to not get this disease, so I can do well in school, then go to college, live by myself, have a good job and not constantly worry about money I don't have. I want to not be insecure and paranoid and depressed. I want to make friends. I want to not be obnoxious and annoying and depressing.


I feel like I have elephantitis.

I have a enormous lymph node, literally the size of a fist, underneath my left arm. It's extremely uncomfortable for my arm to be just resting normally at my side, and it hurts sometimes. This usually isn't a good sign.