My Grades

i'm going to fail systems analysis but i rule in my other classes

xhtml - 3.7 this could get higher.
programming - 3.2
intro to computer applications - above a 3.0 the final hasn't been graded yet so i donno.
and keyboarding i passed the first day, so that's a 4.0 i think..

i'll be getting a big fat 0.0 in systems analysis though

I Love Making People Laugh

There is one thing I love to do most in the world.

It's make people laugh. It makes me feel good to see someone with a smile on their face. If only I was funny enough to do stand up.

Missing School

I didn't go to school today. I really should have. It's just really hard to wake up these days, even when I get a lot of sleep. I went to bed at midnight and slept til 1 pm today. I'm getting sick again - I know it. I was really excited to go to the computer club meeting too.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

We broke up. I don't want to go into it right now - but we did.

Here's a disgusting sexual harassment experience I had at work today.

I was doing my job, which is selling bulk candy from bins attached to a kiosk in the mall aisle. I saw an older man wearing Army fatigues walking with a little boy. When I saw him, he started waving at me somewhat aggressively. Being the friendly salesperson I am, I smile. The kid drags him to my stand, and the older man was giving me a really creepy vibe.

I went to him and told him how much the candy is, and he "accidentally" runs his shoulder into my chest as he walks by to the other side of the kiosk. I didn't think much of that, and went to stand behind the cash register. He then deliberately walks around behind me and lets his hand brush against my butt. Then he acted like he was looking around at stuff. Then he started asking me really awkward and personal questions about the Aqua Massage machines next to my kiosk. I tried to ignore him, but then he said, "I bet you like getting massaged, don't you? Not like that though, I bet you like the real thing." I didn't respond, and he was insistent. He repeated it several more times. Security couldn't find him in the building when I called.

I'm feeling a lot of things lately. Tired, stressed, liberated, depressed.

I broke up with my boyfriend and got a huge guilt trip for like three days from him about it, then my boss at my web design job was stressing me out, my friends, my family - everything. I just can't seem to do anything right.

All this stress is making me a little sick, which is in turn making me really tired. I've been sleeping at night, and then taking a 2 hour nap during the day lately.

Liberated because I don't rely on a lot of people right now. I'm working on my homework every night, reading, I bought my books by myself, my school supplies, working. etc.

It's kinda nice. I hope I don't get too sick, considering I have no health care.


So I broke up with Matt a few days ago. He seemed pretty crushed but is getting better about it.

Dream Entry.

I'm writing to wait for my legs to stop being so restless. I didn't want another repeat of last night happening. Didn't get to sleep until 6 am. It's 4 am now, so I guess it's a semi-repeat. This is a dream I had recently:

I visited Steve Jay's (one of my mom's former boyfriends who was extremely abusive.) old house on Garland. I walked up and there was an old man on a lawn chair in the yard next door. He looked at me, confused. So I said, "I used to live here, remember?" He said he didn't and hadn't lived there for very long. I drew the conclusion that the other old couple who lived there while I did,. must have died. Next thing I know, I am at the front door. A young couple answers. I know they are a man and woman, but I can only remember seeing the woman. Next, I'm in the big bedroom. The woman is across from me, folding laundry. I gasped at something and started getting upset. The woman looked concerned, and said, "You've got horrible memories here, don't you?" The house wasn't nearly as dark as I remember it to be. It looked bright with sun shining in all the windows.

Back pain.

My back is hurting, so I scheduled an appointment for an x-ray. I'll bet they'll get the x-ray back and nothing will look wrong and they'll continue to think I'm a big faker. But I'm not! I posted on the Evan's Message board about it and got three responses from other kids who have complained of similar back pain.

Mystery Rash.

God damn, this rash is driving me nuts! Itchy, Itchy Itchy!!

Randomly Found Handwritten Mall Ponderings

(From when I had a job.)

The mall is such a place where you can sit and view all sorts of different people who reside in your town. There are the old people and old couples who probably live in dimly lit houses with faded yellow or beige drapes with cozy couches and one very old TV set. They are always sweet. The women generally pulling the men, the men are always willing to stop and talk.

There's the South Hill or Indian Trail mom's hustling around, their hands full of shopping bags, seeking directions to the Bon or the Gap, never bothering to say, "Thank you." to my friendly response.

There are the mom's fed up with their three whining children who she had way too young. She'll give into their pleas of candy just to shut them up for five precious moments of silence.

A never-ending cycle.

The hipsters, the white trash.. But most of all, there are the kids. They are the worst.

The girls whose pants are so low you can almost peak at their underdeveloped 12 year old 'parts', which are barely covered by a skimpy thong, and jeans.

The fat girls with their fat stomachs pushing out under their too small jeans and too short halter tops. And they all pile the makeup on by the gallon. There's the wannabe gangsters, talking about all the 'bitches' they're going to get.

Then there's me, whose mall employment gives me all the opportunities I desire to silently judge.

Less than a month and I'll be 19.

I saw the doctor today, and thankfully didn't get a lecture about skipping the last appointment. I brought up to him an itchy rash I have on my body and some back pain. He said the rash is probably viral, and that my back pain is probably related to Evans. He explained what it is but I'm not remembering right now.

I think that now, since I'm keeping a steady journal, would be the time to also begin recording my doctor's appointments and blood counts. It is one year and five months since I was diagnosed. It's gone by very fast.

So much has happened, it's very surreal. I never doubted my survival while being diagnosed and going through treatments but I guess my mom wasn't sure at all. I mean, this was a huge shock to us. We thought chronic fatigue, mono, thyroid issues. We thought those were the causes of me being so tired all the time. I can't believe how stupid and naive we were.

Looking back, it was so obvious something was definitely wrong, but we always blew it off, kind of in denial. The signs were very clear: four very swollen lymph nodes (one underneath each arm, about the size of a kids fist. One a little bit smaller under my right collar bone, and one the size of a grape that stuck out underneath my right ear.) but they weren't painful, just rather annoying.

I also bruised very easily, and I always just thought I was sensitive. Just leaning my forearm against the edge of my desk to use the computer mouse would cause massive green and purple bruises which stuck around for at least a week, sometimes two.

I was always sick and never completely over the last cold I had. I was so exhausted, I could just sleep and sleep. It was really difficult to get out of bed on a lot of days, so I missed a lot of school.

I blame no one. Well, I guess I do think this could have been found sooner through better doctoring. When I first discovered a lump under my arm, the armpit area, I was alarmed. We were learning about breast exams in health class, so I performed one on myself and found a lump - but it was in the pit area, not really that close to my breast. I was only about 14, but it concerned me, so we went to the Community Health Association of Spokane, where they didn't do any blood work. They did an ultrasound on the area (which was pretty damn uncomfortable.) The ultrasound showed nothing, and they prescribed me Penicillin, which also did nothing.

I'm addicted to writing in this journal.

I think this isn't a bad thing at all. I write about what's on my mind in a neat little book and it's kind of therapeutic - and I definitely need therapy. I never really seem to keep up with journals because of my paranoia thing. Somehow my brain gets wrapped up in some neurotic idea that someone is going to read all of my thoughts and doings and use it against me. Deep down I know nobody cares.

Tomorrow is my first doctor's appointment in a long time. Not because the doctor told me I could live life for a couple months, but because I'm a bad girl and skipped my last appointment, then didn't bother making a new one.That place makes me feel so much worse than I already do.

I figured I should finally do it. My back has been hurting and I have a 'heat rash'. I've gained a lot of weight and have tried doing eight minute tae-bo, but it's way too difficult for me. My balance is really bad and I'm not that strong. It's a very hard workout.

My Last Name on Google Search

My dad's name comes up. I don't know why, he's been dead for over a year. Besides that, he never had his name in the phone book.

Again, I don't know why, but I called the number listed for him. I listened to the operator say, "If you have reached this recording in error, please check the number and try again." twice before it automatically hung up.

First Day At the New Job

Tonight was my first night as a Candy Hut Sales Girl. It went alright. The till is a little hard to catch on to & I made myself look ridiculous a couple times, but it seems like the job is mostly customer service. I have that down PAT.

I had another interview today

At the Candy Hut at the mall. I think it went well - I'm fairly sure I got the job.

Dream Entry

I was at this big house with my mom. And we went outside for some reason and my dad pulled up in a car with our dog, Clancy. Clancy looked happy, like a puppy again, and dad looked how he used to. Not bloated, not old, not miserable. He showed us a parking ticket or something that he had gotten on May 4th, 2002. But in reality, he died on April 29th, 2002. He came to show us this, and he said that he had been alive for another week after we thought he had died. And it wasn't a suicide, it was a car accident on some street in Seattle. He said that, now, he had to hang around that street for all of eternity. He was always there. And I kept asking him why he was here if it was just a one-time deal. And he said "Yeah." He wouldn't answer any questions about why he was there. He wouldn't tell me anything except that he is always on this street.

I hugged him. It felt so good. I miss him so much. The one year anniversary of his death is coming along soon. I can't get overPost Options how real it was.

Anyway. I have an interview at the Dairy Queen at the Mall in about an hour.

Doctor's visit.

I went to the doctor today, and I have to keep up with the 10 mg of Prednisone every other day, and I no longer have to get shots weekly.The last one I got left a huge bruise - it was not pretty, and it hurt. Hurray!

How to Contact Me

I check my email and Myspace pretty frequently, so you can easily reach me through either of those. I like using gmail and facebooks chats, and sometimes you can find me on AIM.

Email: narrance @ gmail . com
AIM: swLsssmLsss

About Me

My name is Swiss. I'll be 24 in August of this year. I was a pretty sickly kid, and my family chalked my tummy aches as either an attempt to get out of school, or a cry for attention from a stressed out kid. In high school I was the Fundraiser and Ad Sales Director for my school plays, which was a pretty high stress position but I really enjoyed it, as well as a part-time fast food job and my schooling. By senior year I felt thoroughly worn out. I was finally put on state medical insurance, and I urged my mom to take me to the doctor. We suspected many things that could be the cause of myself being so tired I couldn't get out of bed. Hypothyroidism, which many members of my family have, Epstein-Barr Virus, Mono, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. They all sort of resemble each other. I know that my mom and I weren't expecting a call the next day telling me that I had Lymphoma.

After several wrong diagnosis', four years of seeing a terrible (and nearly abusive) pediatric oncologist, three years on prednisone, and more, I'm finally seeing a wonderful rheumatologist who has diagnosed me with Lupus and Fibromyalgia. Whereas my former doctors' diagnosis never really sounded like my symptoms, I researched Fibromyalgia and Lupus and it clicked - these two illnesses together is what is going on with my body! I got off the prednisone and on a medication regiment that actually works. I've been told I can't work again and that I should apply for SSI benefits, which I am currently awaiting my "appeal before a judge" date.

I feel like having Lupus along with Fibromyalgia magnifies, and changes the effects of Lupus to an extent. I've learned many things about my illnesses by researching them. I've tried many things to relieve certain symptoms. I want to share these things, so it's easier for you and your loved ones to cope.