anxiety, paranoia

I'm turning back into my old paranoid self again

the prozac isn't helping, it seems to be making it worse.

i take everything to heart and way over analyze..


Crazy Doctor Says

The doctor..

he said that we've been targetting my b-cells, when in fact my t-cells are what need to be targeted. he thinks that my t-cells are elevated and that's what is causing the arthritis pain.. he's going to try to develop a plan to treat me and i'm going in on the 28th to find out what exactly we're going to do. the basic gist is that we're giong to lower my t-cells, which is going to make me extremely susceptible to illness, and treat the susceptibility as well.

you usually hear about t-cells being affected by HIV patients.. usually they are really low. for some reason, mine are high and causing arthritis, lupus, etc.. he's going to lower them dramatically and try to boost my immune system using other meds..

scary. very scary.

More Chemo.


I've been taking the Methotrexate (chemo) every week. Anywhere from 17.5 mg to 25 mg for a few months.

Today the doctor decided to put me back on Rituxin. Basically, the methotrexate isn't helping with the RA pain & inflammation, and it's not curbing the possibility of Lupus. In fact, the bad news today is that Lupus' door is open now. Before, it was opening. Now I basically have it.

Lupus, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Evans, Raynauds.. What the fuck is wrong with my body?

The big difference between the Methotrexate and the Rituxan is.. I take the Methotrexate in pill form from home. The Rituxan is purely by IV only, which means I have to spend at least six hours (more like 10-12) in the hospital where the nurses don't give a fuck about me.

He wants me to come in on Monday, but Monday's are really busy at the clinic and I know I won't get the proper attention / care I'm going to need. A couple other factors - my mom is going to be working both Monday and Tuesday, so nobody would be with me - and that's just not possible. The nurses are so un-attentive that I really need someone to be there with me. I'm going to need help walking to the rest room, getting food and drinks, etc. And I need someone there to slap the nurses into shape when they're being jerks - which is usual. Sean would skip work and stay with me if I asked him to, but I don't want to ask him to do that. Plus Monday is Halo night, and I hate missing Halo night. We asked if we could push it to Wednesday and he said that if I feel good on Monday, then we can wait. If I feel like shit on Monday, I have to go in. He gave me a big boost of steroids, again, which means I'm going to eat like a horse this weekend, but the steroids will probably make me feel okay on Monday.

Blehh. I'm tired.

I'm done getting upset about this stuff. It doesn't do me any good to cry about it..

The truth is, he wants me to be on Citoxin - which is a pretty harsh chemo. My hair could fall out, I'd be about 20x more nauseas than I already am..

I'm just one step away from having to do the chemo where all the hair on my body falls out.. That's terrifying.