So So So Sick re deux

Yesterday my 'cold' got increasingly worse throughout the day. I went to bed and in the middle of the night woke with a fever of 103.1. It was hard doing much of anything, sleeping, etc. last night.. My mom and I got up at 7 am and went to the ER. I was miserable until I broke a sweat and the fever went away. The ER doctor was really great and he hooked me up to IV fluids, and also hooked me up with some Demerol while I was there. I was in some serious pain. Coughing, fever, my muscles hurt, headache. My hospital visit was comfortable. I finally got to go home at about noon, and guess what? They don't know what it is. It's just something viral that I have to wait to go away. He prescribed me some Hydrocodone/Lortab for pain, and some nausea medicine. We also did a pregnancy test just in case - thank f'ing christ that came back negative. ;)

mom's making some homemade soup and I want to eat it soo bad.. but it's not ready yet.:(

So So So Sick

So, yesterday was the eight day in a row I worked at the mall information booth. Selling gift cards. At the busiest shopping time of the year. And I've been horribly ill.

Today was going to be the ninth, but I woke up and I just couldn't do it. I broke down. My tonsils are huge, my voice is gone from explaining the gift card system to every fucking customer, my head hurts, my body is weak, I'm just so exhausted. I called in, and thankfully Trina was really nice about it and just said, "Just stay home, it's okay, we'll be okay." And so I did. I just took half of a pill and I'm going to lay in bed. I wish it would all just go away.

Emergency Emergency

So I talked to my doctor yesterday and he told me to go to the ER for a strep test.

So about 4 pm, my mom and I went to the ER. The dr. asked if I wanted pain medication and I said, 'Heck yes!' so they gave me 2 lortabs which are really strong. It knocked me out for the three hours we were there. They took a chest x-ray, put in a hep lock, withdrew blood. Then we sat around until they let us know that he is going to treat me for Bronchitis. So he sent me home with some antibiotics and orders for rest. How did I get bronchitis?

Tests, Tests, Tests.

So today was my CT Scan. I had to go in at 10:30 am and get an IV put in. Apparently, when they do CT Scans, sometimes they put in a buncha dye so things appear better or something. The dye makes you feel so messed up... You get really warm all over, and you feel like you peed your pants, even though you didn't. it was weird. my vagina was all warm.:D haha. So, after it was done, we went up and waited around for my old, stupid doctor to come in and talk to us.

He came in and told us that the CT Scan was fine. He started talking about how he was sending me to a Dr. Patterson for my depression, and a Dr. Macdonald (a neurologist) for my headaches. Then we started talking about how the pain is over bearing and it is making me hard to do everyday things.. I can't do very much for very long or else my head just hurts too bad and I have to lay down. Going to work is miserable anymore. I try to just ignore the pain and still hang out with my friends and have a good time and have a good social life, but the headache gets worse, and then it makes me tired and grouchy, then I need to lay down all the time to try to get the pain to dull down a little bit. I can't play video games for long, I can't play music for long, I can't read for very long.. He told me that these pills would really help - but you can only get them in Canada. Then he started talking about Neurontin.

When he said that word, my mom and I both jumped up and basically told him that there's no fucking way I'm ever getting near Neurontin. It killed my father and it's a horrible fucking drug. It's only been FDA approved to be prescribed for epilepsy, but the pharmacutical companies push doctors to prescribe it for things like pain and bi-polar disorder. It has never been tested for pain or bi-polar, and one of the side effects is suicidal tendencies.

When my dad went to the hospital in April of 2002, he told them he was suicidal and was bi-polar. So they send him home with a bottle of 60 Neurontin. Hmm, give a suicidal man a drug that causes suicidal tendencies and send him home? What the fuck did they think he was going to do? So Dr. Reynolds told me that I could take either of those, but he's not going to prescribe me any pain medication. He knows I'm in pain, he knows that it's bad, but he won't fucking give me anything and won't respect the fact that I have a good fucking reason not to take the drug he wants to prescribe.

I want to just give up, I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't want to have to quit my job, get on unemployment and sit on my fat ass all day for the rest of my life.

Marijuana is the only thing right now I can do to make the pain go away, and it's illegal. I can't believe this country.

Missing So Much Work

I woke up this morning with a fever of 101, and an awful headache. Had to call in sick, AGAIN, they're so going to fire me, and go to the doctor.

Nothing is wrong, virus, THANK CHRIST. just have to relax til I get better. :(

Another Swollen Lymphnode

I found another swollen lymphnode. It's sore. I'm so scared.

It's on my neck, behind my ear. It's sticking out.. The size of a big pea.

In Bad Shape

So I woke up this morning with Sean by my side, and in dire pain. At least he was by me, it made me feel a little better to have a cuddle before he went to work. Horrible headache, extremely tired, mouth sores, and any cut or bruise on my body was hurting ten times worse than yesterday. Fuck I hate this.

Had my mom bring me my pain medication, sudafed, milk and ice water.

Sean left, I took a bath, and am now thoroughly doped up. I'm going to go read the next Preacher comic (which, by the way, are fucking awesome.) and rest. I can't believe my doctor actually ordered me to rest this weekend. He prescribed it.

Doctor's actually do that?

Home Sweet Home.

I'm home from a fourday hospital visit, finally.

On Tuesday I went to Dr. Reynolds to have my six month check up, and also because I was concerned because one of my lymphnodes was swelling up again and I was getting really tired again. He told me I had to stay that night to get some IVIGG, and come in the next day to get some more.

I didn't get to leave until 11 pm on Tuesday night since they didn't start the treatment until 4:45, and it takes six hours to give it to me. So I came in on Wednesday at 9 am, and they immediately started the IVIGG, but they accidentally started giving it to me at a really high rate, so I threw up.Then, because of the vomiting, my doctor made me stay overnight. Then yesterday, since I have bad headaches, he wanted me to get an MRI. So I got an MRI and had to stay overnight again, and now I'm home. Finally. Nothing's wrong with my MRI, so that's good.

I'm tired, and I have to miss a lot of work which pisses me off. I don't want to get fired.


I'm pretty worried right now.

My lymphnode has been growing again. So large that it's really bothering me to keep my arm down. I've also been sleeping a lot.

I've been in remission for about two years now. I was really hoping that it would be the end of it for a long long time.

If I'm sick again.. I'll have to quit my job, and stop doing a lot of the things I love to do. I'll be a hermit again and lose any friends I do have. I'm scared. Should I tell Sean? I don't want to worry him.. but he should know, right?


Matt called the other night a little intoxicated. He wanted to know why I would try us again. I told him how it is. I'm with Sean. I like Sean. I don't want to go through being with someone who doesn't appreciate me again. I'm tired of it. I finally found someone who treats me nicely, who I get along with and have so much fun with.

Meeting My Match

Sean and I had a great day together today. We met for the first time.

We met in person in River Front Park last week. He walked up and was wearing a Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back t-shirt, which I pointed out and he said, 'Yeah I thought you might appreciate that!'. We went to Boo Radley's and looked around, then we went and ate at McDonalds and then we decided to go to my house so I could show him my pictures and paraphanelia of when I met Kevin Smith. *He was deeply impressed.* We hung out for awhile, and had a great time. We talked and there weren't any akward silences.

We started talking online more and learning more about each other and how much we liked each other.

A couple days ago he came over and hung out. He missed the last bus home so he slept over. We cuddled a little bit, but no kissing happened or anything. We slept in the same bed, and it was nice. When I woke up he looked at me and said, 'I could definitely get used to waking up like this quite often.' We laid around for a few hours talking. We agreed that I would go to his place later in the night. He kisses exactly the way I like to be kissed. I talked to him the night before about everything. I've told him everything about myself, I've admitted my mistakes and regrets in my past and he is okay with them.

He's one of the strongest people I've ever met. He's gone through some heavy shit, and he's still standing and as sweet as can be.

The Love of My Life (edited title)

In September of last year, this guy on Myspace sent me a short message saying, "Hi." After I looked at his profile and saw how much we had in common, I sent him a reply listing everything we both liked, as per our mutual profiles.

Soon, we started talking online every once in awhile. I was so focused on Matt (my boyfriend at the time.), I never even thought of him as anybody other than someone I talk to online sometimes. He knows Loretta, who knows Emily, etc.

We talked a lot more about a month and a half ago about one of our mutual loves, David Cross. Then, a couple of weeks ago, he got online and said, "Guess who is going to be here next week?!?" and I immediately responded, "Chuck Palahniuk!!" We were both at the event but I didn't see him, but he saw me.

A few days ago, he got online and we talked about the Palahniuk signing event, and he sent me the photo he had taken with Chuck. I immediately liked him. His face is so sweet and sincere.

I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said that he'd wanted me to ask that since the first time he messaged me.

He is really great.

Dealing With Break Ups

We're done, and I've cried my eyes out and I'm still incredibly hurt. The sooner I realize that it was for the best, considering how inconsiderate he was to me the majority of the time, the sooner I'll move on and be happy with myself and with his decision.

He was mean to me frequently. He would say things that he just shouldn't say to someone he cares about, but I'm so passive that I'd just let it slide. I'd always think, "He's new to the whole 'having a girlfriend thing'. I let him know when things he said hurt me, and he tries to make it out to be that I'm just way too sensitive and freak out about stupid things. That's bullshit. Maybe I do sometimes, but so does he and so does everybody. I'm not sorry that I don't just smile and nod when he says mean things to me anymore. I can't do that all the time. I used to try, but I just can't do it anymore. It was really considerate of him to take me somewhere private to talk about our issues instead of just giving up, that really shows what our year long relationship has meant to him. He used to love me, I think. Or he used to love the idea of me. We just weren't right for each other.

I hope he'll learn eventually, for another girls' sake.

We broke up - again.

It's official, we're through - again. You know what's really cool of him to do after he dumped me? Laugh in my face while I cried and asked why he didn't want to work through it.

Hardcore Panic Attack

I don't know what is wrong with me, but something definitely is.

I woke up today with a really bad headache. I took a shower or whatever and felt fine, I still had the headache but I was feeling a bit better.

Then, out of nowhere, I just started freaking out, and I still really am.

I'm crying and suddenly I'm really depressed, and I don't know what to do. It's scary.

Goodbye Uncle Bill

April is the cruelest month,
breeding lilacs out of the dead land,
mixing memory and desire,
stirring dull roots with spring rain.

T S Eliot

Why have such terrible things happened in the month of April in the past few years?

In April of 2002, the 29th to be exact, my father, a bi-polar alcoholic who went undiagnosed for far too long, committed suicide.

Earlier this month, my Uncle Barry, from England, got diagnosed with Colon Cancer. Unfortunately he started showing symptoms. It is said that if you start to notice symptoms - that the cancer has gone too far and almost always deadly. He's the best person in the world. We are waiting to hear news on how progressed it is - I'm driving myself nutty worrying.

A couple days ago, my Uncle Bill committed suicide. He took a gun that his father, my great-grandfather, who passed on a few years ago, gave him and shot himself in the heart. I won't praise Bill for being a wonderful man. He had problems, but they were similar my dad's. It hurts so much. I am a little numb right now.

I go to work in a few hours too, hopefully it will take my mind off of the stress going on.

I Got A New Job!

I'm the newest Customer Service person at the mall information booth.

Always Happens to the Best

I just found out my uncle has been diagnosed with Colon Cancer and is going to be dealing with some pretty hard stuff. Please keep him in your thoughts.

I Got A Garfield Clone

It's a cute cat. I picked him up at the pound. I'm guessing he's a Norwegian Forest Cat. He's stunning, and I've named him Goomba.

Status Update

Note to self, don't forget to tell the doctor:

Tonight I had joint pain in my left elbow, right knee and all of my fingers. Also experienced a stinging sensation on my right calf.

Discoid Diagnosis

So, you remember that rash?

I saw the 900 year old pediatric oncologist today, and my blood counts were alright. My White Blood Cells were a tiny bit low, but not bad. We talked about the rash and he said that it sounded like Discoid Lupus, then he got up closer to me and said that it was DEFINITELY Discoid Lupus and he's sending me to a dermatologist. All I know about it is that it shows up in the sun. Meaning, no tan for Missy ever again. He mentioned fatigue and joint pain come with it, as well.

All the pictures of it on Google Images are pretty nasty looking - scary!

Falling Down

I fell down the stairs. I have a huge bruise on the side of my calf, on my hip and I'm bleeding from my hand.


Last Day

yesterday was candy hut's last night at Northtown. i'm kind of heart broken. this is now immediate pressure - "I HAVE to find a job."

Medical Status: Upgraded!

I got medical.

Until at least 2007 when they review my case.

I'm so happy right now.

Insurance Situation

A few days ago, my mom called the lady who was adjudicating my case for health insurance. My mom told her that it is currently a critical situation, because I was getting sores and bruises again. The woman wrote that down on my file.

We called yesterday to see if anything had changed, but there was no answer, so we left a message.

She returned our call today, and she wasn't allowed to tell us if it looked good or not, she did say that she made a note that it was currently a critical situation on the file and that shoud certainly help. The file is being sent out today to get accepted, or denied. We should find out by next week.

I'm excited and scared at the same time. If it happens, god wow.. I don't have to really worry about it for awhile.. But if it doesn't.. What the fuck else am I going to do?

Status Update

So I have a sore in my mouth, and have had it for a few days. For those of you that don't know, a sore in my mouth basically signifies me that my white blood cells are low. It's like an open sore around the inside of my mouth. It hurts really bad to eat, talk, move my lips, anything. Then last night, Matt and I were drinking around and he accidentally elbowing me in my mouth, causing my tooth to go into my bottom lip and it to bleed. So my mouth is all screwed up. :P

In addition to my mouth sore, I've been feeling tired and headachey for quite some time. I've also begun bruising again (caused probably by my platelets being low.) I've been short of breath and weak, (probably caused by my anemia.). Also - for those of you that don't know (how could you not?:P it's like the number one topic of conversation in my LJ.) I don't currently have health insurance, and it is a huge, huge, huge cause of the stress in my life right now.

Today, I came home from class feeling tired and having a headache, so my mom gave me a shot of Neupogen (a drug that causes my bone marrow to produce my neutrophils (white blood cells) more rapidly.) The shot kind of messed me up for the remainder of the day. I laid down at 1, and slept/laid there for about 3 hours.. Then I woke up and went to meet Matt at the mall, then we went to his house and laid down until 8:30, then I went back home. My back hurts, I have a headache, my mouth still hurts, and my body is tired. I don't want to go to bed yet, because I'm sick of feeling decrepit and tired.