Just came to a realization...

It's definitely random and definitely depressing, but it's my blog.

My mom and dad were teenagers when I was born. They broke up a year later. He was a severe alcoholic who drifted in and out of our lives for most of my childhood. My memories of him are mixed. Some are good, but most are of him being drunk, or going through the DTs. But other than being exposed to that, which is a bit damaging, we had a decent dysfunctional relationship (if that makes any kind of sense.)

He was diagnosed Bi Polar in 2004 while he was living across the state. This was the same year that I became extremely ill and also my high school graduation. I hadn't seen him for a couple years, and he was coming to Spokane and wanted to stop by and see me before he left town. I waited all day long for him to call and let me know he was on his way. That evening, my mom arrived home from work at about 6pm. There was a note on the door from my dad saying he stopped by and nobody answered, so he was heading out of town. I didn't hear him knocking, because my room was in the basement. When I read the letter I immediately sank to the floor and started sobbing. Somehow I knew it was going to be my last chance to see him.

He committed suicide a month or so later. Not because of this incident, but because he couldn't handle the disease and addictions that had made his life so miserable.

My realization is that I always carry my phone with me. I feel a sense of regret and guilt if I miss a phone call or miss someone knocking on the door. It's less so with the phone and more with the door. Even though I know I won't miss the door being knocked on because of Stamps, I sit and listen for it and worry about missing it until someone arrives.