Let's lay out my number one flaw.

When I'm stressed about something of actual importance, I tend to stress and freak out about stupid stuff. Why do I dwell on and mentally freak out about stuff that doesn't fucking matter?

Who cares what kind of outlook you THINK I have, I know what the next six months hold for me. I've dealt with this for FOUR YEARS. I am terribly sorry if I'm a tad bitter, but get the fuck over it. Please allow me a good 24 to 48 hours to be pissed, bitter and fucking murderous. Everybody can't have a positive outlook ALL the time. I'm not Mother Teresa, and I've never claimed to be.

It isn't you who has to worry about germs because the smallest of infections will land me in the hospital. It isn't you who is already practically confined to the house because you're just too tired to get dressed, get somewhere, stay there for 1+ hours, and get back home. Just those menial everyday tasks that everybody does, exhausts me. I think I do pretty good with not being crabby ALL the time. Leave me alone.

So many times today, I wanted to just shut off all the lights, shut the door and just sit alone in the darkness. I've cried a lot today, my eyes are so heavy and the bedroom is still so hot.

Sitting alone on the front porch at dusk I started thinking about how I'm not ready to leave Sean. I'm not ready to give up on life. He's my reason for keeping going. I think our relationship is incredibly special. I love him so much and I want to spend more time with him. We've got trips to take, concerts to see and comedians to meet.

I'm so worried about medical next year.

How am I supposed to live on $400 a month, IF I GET SSI. I'm going to be forced to be a child for the rest of whatever time I have left.

"Evan's Syndrome is serious, rare and has an 18% mortality rate."

I'm never going to be able to buy my own clothes or groceries or anything! I won't be able to live on my own. I really feel like I just bring everybody down. I don't know why anybody even wastes their time, sometimes.

I want to just give up caring or expecting or anticipating anything. I just get disappointed or disappoint.

Sorry I'm such a pain in the ass.

Doctors Visit

I'm beyond tired, just from the visit. It's so exhausted getting jerked around constantly.

Meds I'm currently taking: Seasonal, Prevacid, Cephalexin, Prednisone, Naproxen, Plaquenil, Oxycodone.

Tomorrow I need to call Dentists and see if they take DSHS medical for adults. Most places only accept it for children 18 and under. Which means that adults are forced to get their teeth pulled instead of fixed. Also, I need to call physical therapists and see if they do massage therapy or accept DSHS.

I am so tired today, yet so much to do. It never ends.