Let's lay out my number one flaw.

When I'm stressed about something of actual importance, I tend to stress and freak out about stupid stuff. Why do I dwell on and mentally freak out about stuff that doesn't fucking matter?

Who cares what kind of outlook you THINK I have, I know what the next six months hold for me. I've dealt with this for FOUR YEARS. I am terribly sorry if I'm a tad bitter, but get the fuck over it. Please allow me a good 24 to 48 hours to be pissed, bitter and fucking murderous. Everybody can't have a positive outlook ALL the time. I'm not Mother Teresa, and I've never claimed to be.

It isn't you who has to worry about germs because the smallest of infections will land me in the hospital. It isn't you who is already practically confined to the house because you're just too tired to get dressed, get somewhere, stay there for 1+ hours, and get back home. Just those menial everyday tasks that everybody does, exhausts me. I think I do pretty good with not being crabby ALL the time. Leave me alone.

So many times today, I wanted to just shut off all the lights, shut the door and just sit alone in the darkness. I've cried a lot today, my eyes are so heavy and the bedroom is still so hot.

Sitting alone on the front porch at dusk I started thinking about how I'm not ready to leave Sean. I'm not ready to give up on life. He's my reason for keeping going. I think our relationship is incredibly special. I love him so much and I want to spend more time with him. We've got trips to take, concerts to see and comedians to meet.