Doctor Doctor Gimme the News.

Well, I called three days ago to let them know that I have a cold and that I should probably come in. The nurse told me to see my primary caregiver. Who is? Them. Idiot. So, I just don't do anything. I suffer through the pain and take my pain killers. I call yesterday to tell them about my weirdo tongue thing [thrush], my cold, etc. that are driving me insane. So, they tell me they can squeeze me in today.

I go in there, and I have to get poked THREE TIMES and endure intense pain because the stupid phlebotomist can't get a needle in my vein because there's so much scar tissue and my veins are really rolly and sensitive anyway. I sit there and endure her sticking the needle in my arm, moving it around, pressing her finger down on where the needle is, etc. TWICE. ONCE IN EACH ARM. Then, she has to do it in my hand.. So she puts a turnicate around my wrist, and I feel like it's going to explode.. I just want to scream 'FUCK FUCK FUCK OWWIE FUCK' and I'm bawling and crying and I have four people in there around me telling me to breathe like I'm a nine year old. I've done this six thousand times in the 4 years, it's not like I'm scared of the needle.. IT HURTS WHEN YOU PUSH AND TOUCH IT AND MOVE IT AROUND A LOT.

So I finally get to see the doctor and I tell him that I took a few extra pain pills because I was sick and coughing and couldn't sleep because I was in pain, but he completely takes it the wrong way and tells me it's not a cough syrup and yells at me. then he yells at me because i should've been in three days ago and i should know not to talk to the nurses because they don't know wtf they're talking about. he was in a really shitty mood.. the nurses piss him off all the time.. i'm only to call his cell phone now because they treat me like complete shit.

Growing up, Getting out.

I just want out. I just want away. I want away from everything, right now. I honestly wish I could take a trip somewhere by myself. I'd love to go to the Oregon coast, or to go visit Eva for a day or two. I need a change of pace. I need to get away from not only my mom and family and this house and this city, but I need some me time. Some time where I can get a little perspective and some independence.

Trip to Seattle is this weekend, I'm hoping it helps. I'll have my fabulous boyfriend and fabulous friends, so I think it will be fun.

I don't think you guys have any idea how much Sean is a miracle in my life. He's the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I'm thankful everyday for him. He really means everything to me. I am glad we're planning on spending at least the next few years of our lives together - we'll see how it goes, right now it's going strong after a year.

Pain Medication & Crazy Doctors

So two weeks ago, at my last doctors' appointment, he told me I couldn't have any more pain medication. He insinuated that I've been taking too many and that I didn't need them enough to be taking them. Just so you know - this is complete bullshit. Since I got diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis two months ago, he's been giving me 5mg Oxycodones, a weekly / 10 day supply, which forces me to have to find a way to get to the doctor's office every week to pick up a prescription. I've been being extremely careful with the pills. So, no more than two tablets a day of 5mg. If I were addicted, or taking too many, as he insinuated, I wouldn't be taking 10mg a day, I'd be taking like 20 of the pills a day. But I haven't been, I've been taking two, at the most THREE. So he treats me like a god damned criminal for no reason. I'm going through chemotherapy and have Rheumatoid Arthritis, and it's getting to be cold weather so I'm in a lot more pain than usual. He tells me that he's going to let me go through 'withdrawals' for the next two weeks and see if I need to I can see a pain specialist after that.

We get there today and he says, "So how are you feeling?" and I say, of course, "Awful. I can't sleep because of the Prednisone and because my joints hurt so bad." and he goes "Okay well then you passed the test." It's like he was just screwing with me and making me suffer in pain for two weeks for no reason. He hands me a prescription for 20 more oxycodones.

Thanks. It's not the first time he's done it either. I'm not a criminal, I'm sick of being treated like one because I have an illness. It's bullshit.

Anyway, new medication changes!

Instead of taking 10mg of Prednisone everyday, I'm going to do a big boost. I'm going to take 60mg for 4 days, 30mg for 4 more days, then 20 for 4 more days until I'm back at 10.