Tests, Tests, Tests.

So today was my CT Scan. I had to go in at 10:30 am and get an IV put in. Apparently, when they do CT Scans, sometimes they put in a buncha dye so things appear better or something. The dye makes you feel so messed up... You get really warm all over, and you feel like you peed your pants, even though you didn't. it was weird. my vagina was all warm.:D haha. So, after it was done, we went up and waited around for my old, stupid doctor to come in and talk to us.

He came in and told us that the CT Scan was fine. He started talking about how he was sending me to a Dr. Patterson for my depression, and a Dr. Macdonald (a neurologist) for my headaches. Then we started talking about how the pain is over bearing and it is making me hard to do everyday things.. I can't do very much for very long or else my head just hurts too bad and I have to lay down. Going to work is miserable anymore. I try to just ignore the pain and still hang out with my friends and have a good time and have a good social life, but the headache gets worse, and then it makes me tired and grouchy, then I need to lay down all the time to try to get the pain to dull down a little bit. I can't play video games for long, I can't play music for long, I can't read for very long.. He told me that these pills would really help - but you can only get them in Canada. Then he started talking about Neurontin.

When he said that word, my mom and I both jumped up and basically told him that there's no fucking way I'm ever getting near Neurontin. It killed my father and it's a horrible fucking drug. It's only been FDA approved to be prescribed for epilepsy, but the pharmacutical companies push doctors to prescribe it for things like pain and bi-polar disorder. It has never been tested for pain or bi-polar, and one of the side effects is suicidal tendencies.

When my dad went to the hospital in April of 2002, he told them he was suicidal and was bi-polar. So they send him home with a bottle of 60 Neurontin. Hmm, give a suicidal man a drug that causes suicidal tendencies and send him home? What the fuck did they think he was going to do? So Dr. Reynolds told me that I could take either of those, but he's not going to prescribe me any pain medication. He knows I'm in pain, he knows that it's bad, but he won't fucking give me anything and won't respect the fact that I have a good fucking reason not to take the drug he wants to prescribe.

I want to just give up, I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't want to have to quit my job, get on unemployment and sit on my fat ass all day for the rest of my life.

Marijuana is the only thing right now I can do to make the pain go away, and it's illegal. I can't believe this country.

Missing So Much Work

I woke up this morning with a fever of 101, and an awful headache. Had to call in sick, AGAIN, they're so going to fire me, and go to the doctor.

Nothing is wrong, virus, THANK CHRIST. just have to relax til I get better. :(

Another Swollen Lymphnode

I found another swollen lymphnode. It's sore. I'm so scared.

It's on my neck, behind my ear. It's sticking out.. The size of a big pea.

In Bad Shape

So I woke up this morning with Sean by my side, and in dire pain. At least he was by me, it made me feel a little better to have a cuddle before he went to work. Horrible headache, extremely tired, mouth sores, and any cut or bruise on my body was hurting ten times worse than yesterday. Fuck I hate this.

Had my mom bring me my pain medication, sudafed, milk and ice water.

Sean left, I took a bath, and am now thoroughly doped up. I'm going to go read the next Preacher comic (which, by the way, are fucking awesome.) and rest. I can't believe my doctor actually ordered me to rest this weekend. He prescribed it.

Doctor's actually do that?

Home Sweet Home.

I'm home from a fourday hospital visit, finally.

On Tuesday I went to Dr. Reynolds to have my six month check up, and also because I was concerned because one of my lymphnodes was swelling up again and I was getting really tired again. He told me I had to stay that night to get some IVIGG, and come in the next day to get some more.

I didn't get to leave until 11 pm on Tuesday night since they didn't start the treatment until 4:45, and it takes six hours to give it to me. So I came in on Wednesday at 9 am, and they immediately started the IVIGG, but they accidentally started giving it to me at a really high rate, so I threw up.Then, because of the vomiting, my doctor made me stay overnight. Then yesterday, since I have bad headaches, he wanted me to get an MRI. So I got an MRI and had to stay overnight again, and now I'm home. Finally. Nothing's wrong with my MRI, so that's good.

I'm tired, and I have to miss a lot of work which pisses me off. I don't want to get fired.


I'm pretty worried right now.

My lymphnode has been growing again. So large that it's really bothering me to keep my arm down. I've also been sleeping a lot.

I've been in remission for about two years now. I was really hoping that it would be the end of it for a long long time.

If I'm sick again.. I'll have to quit my job, and stop doing a lot of the things I love to do. I'll be a hermit again and lose any friends I do have. I'm scared. Should I tell Sean? I don't want to worry him.. but he should know, right?