Tests, Tests, Tests.

So today was my CT Scan. I had to go in at 10:30 am and get an IV put in. Apparently, when they do CT Scans, sometimes they put in a buncha dye so things appear better or something. The dye makes you feel so messed up... You get really warm all over, and you feel like you peed your pants, even though you didn't. it was weird. my vagina was all warm.:D haha. So, after it was done, we went up and waited around for my old, stupid doctor to come in and talk to us.

He came in and told us that the CT Scan was fine. He started talking about how he was sending me to a Dr. Patterson for my depression, and a Dr. Macdonald (a neurologist) for my headaches. Then we started talking about how the pain is over bearing and it is making me hard to do everyday things.. I can't do very much for very long or else my head just hurts too bad and I have to lay down. Going to work is miserable anymore. I try to just ignore the pain and still hang out with my friends and have a good time and have a good social life, but the headache gets worse, and then it makes me tired and grouchy, then I need to lay down all the time to try to get the pain to dull down a little bit. I can't play video games for long, I can't play music for long, I can't read for very long.. He told me that these pills would really help - but you can only get them in Canada. Then he started talking about Neurontin.

When he said that word, my mom and I both jumped up and basically told him that there's no fucking way I'm ever getting near Neurontin. It killed my father and it's a horrible fucking drug. It's only been FDA approved to be prescribed for epilepsy, but the pharmacutical companies push doctors to prescribe it for things like pain and bi-polar disorder. It has never been tested for pain or bi-polar, and one of the side effects is suicidal tendencies.

When my dad went to the hospital in April of 2002, he told them he was suicidal and was bi-polar. So they send him home with a bottle of 60 Neurontin. Hmm, give a suicidal man a drug that causes suicidal tendencies and send him home? What the fuck did they think he was going to do? So Dr. Reynolds told me that I could take either of those, but he's not going to prescribe me any pain medication. He knows I'm in pain, he knows that it's bad, but he won't fucking give me anything and won't respect the fact that I have a good fucking reason not to take the drug he wants to prescribe.

I want to just give up, I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't want to have to quit my job, get on unemployment and sit on my fat ass all day for the rest of my life.

Marijuana is the only thing right now I can do to make the pain go away, and it's illegal. I can't believe this country.