Pre Chemo Anxiety

the whole ordeal last week has given me a lot of anxiety about myself. i was finally at a place where i was happy with myself. i have friends who make an effort and like to hang out with me, who like me for me, so i started to kind of like myself. now i'm worrying that i am making my friends upset or sad, but i'm being paranoid because i know i'm not. and i know that the person who said that is far more self righteous and self involved than I am. at least I have a reason to be - what's hers?

i just needed to vent. i'm tired of losing sleep over this and ripping my stomach to shreds. everybody's told me a million times that what was said was ridiculous and that i should pay it no attention, but i can't help it.

note: i had an anxiety attack last night.


So I've been an emotional and internal wreck since the things Emily said to me. I hate myself right now and I hope she's pleased.

I'm so terrified. Sean is asleep next to me and I'm crying. I am scared of the chemo, dying, not being a good friend, my parents and family hating me. I want to talk to someone about what I'm going through without being afraid of being too focused on myself.

My tooh is gone.

sigh.. so much anxiety about everything.

lindsey, puffy, richard, ella and sean did amazingly well taking care of me this weekend and i wish i could thank them the way they should be thanked.

i'm sorry for ruining your trip.

Weekend of pain.

so this weekend i went to seattle to see cage and the sword.

friday night i developed an excruciating tooth ache which lasted until sunday day. it deprived me of sleep and i was in so much pain i couldn't go see the sword on sat. night. i went to the er on saturday and spent over an hour sitting in this little tiny room at virginia mason, more like a cubicle, the pain worsening, and the asshole gave me a shot in the mouth of like.. anbesol. he said it would last eight hours, enough time to give me some sleep and antibiotics to take away the infection to in turn take away the pain. the numbing shit didn't do anything, practically. it numbed to a bearable throb, but it was still a 6 or 7 on the retarded 1-10 scale hospital's use. so i went back to richard and ella's house (the people we stay with when we go to seattle.) and continued to be in misery. ella, who is amazing, couldn't tolerate me being in pain anymore and was astonished the er doc didn't write me a scrip for some pain killers. i know now, but nerve pain is probably some of the worst pain imaginable. she called her dentist on call and explained the situation. amazingly, this woman who didn't even know me, prescribed me some hydrocodone. i was soo relieved. i'd make it through this.
then i got the fucking things and i puked everytime i took one. i couldn't keep ANYTHING down. even when i ate with them, i'd just puke it up and the pot wasn't helping the nausea AT ALL - for the first time ever. so it's like 11:30pm and i'm in the bathroom taking a bath for the 3rd or 4th time the pain. Richard is out driving around Seattle looking for 'oil of clove' which EVERYBODY told me was easy to get, but guess what? it's fucking not. then we call university of washington and they have a dentist on call in the er. they say they're closing now, but to come in in the morning.

i did. and i waited 3+ hours. and i finally got some fucking help. i was a ball of anxiety all weekend, especially sitting in that hospital er waiting room with a bunch of sick people with my immune system. i had to cunnive my way into getting seen earlier than some people who had been waiting a long time but i mean, this shit was down to the bone.

first she looked at it and said it was restoreable, which would mean a root canal. then she took the xray and said that decay is down almost to the bone and it may not be restoreable.. and even if it was, they couldn't do a root canal there - they don't have the equipment. i told the lady everything about my medical shit, about my pain killers, how i couldn't keep down the hydrocodone but i take oxycodone regularly and it doesn't make me nauseas. she said she'd have to prescribe me a higher dose because nerve pain is so bad that my reg 5mg dose wouldn't do much. So she gave me 24 oxycodone 7.5mg with 350mg tylenol. worked like a fucking charm. i got some sleep, the swelling has gone down but it sitll hurts.

anyway, i got to see cage. and he stage dived and landed on my head in all his sweaty hiphop glory. i didn't see him jumped, and when his belly flopped on top of my head i realized and went 'YES!!!' and sstarted pushing up. his sweat poured all onto me and mixed in with mine. yes. it was sexual. just kidding, but it was an AMAZING SHOW. I can't WAIT for the next one. unfortunatley camu tao wasn't there, but charlie chan was, and cage was sick and he performed amazingly. brilliant show.

other stories to come later. oh by the way - i'm going tomorrow to probably get my tooth pulled.