Lupus Breaking On Through to the Other Side. This side.

I went to the doctor again today.

The x-rays of my spine turned out okay. They say that the back pain has a lot to do with posture, and that I have to do Williams Exercises with a physical therapist to improve it, and it will help the pain and my posture. But this isn't exactly great news. At least my back isn't completely fucked up like my mom or grandma's, but he said that I DO have some form of arthritis, and that some Lupus cells are trying to push themselves into my system. They are right on the outskirts, really really trying to get in there and infect me with it.

The course of action is a very low dose of a chemotherapy called Methotrexate, which I've taken before. The only real problems I had with it was tiredness and the sun. Since it's such a low dose, my hair won't fall out.. But if I don't respond to it very well (like last time.) then they're going to have to increase the dose, and that may make it fall out.

I told him that I'd been looking for a job, but now I wasn't sure if I should and asked what he thought. He said he wasn't sure either. Meaning, no. I shouldn't find a job. I cried and told him that it's really hard for me not to work. I've been working since I was 16, and that this is one of the hardest parts about my illness. I love working and being self-sufficient and making money and independent and helping people. It makes me happy. He said he understood, he was the same way. I told him I wanted to go to school to be a medical transcriptionist - but I don't have the money for it. He found a social worker in the hospital to help me out with things.

He told the social worker that I was ready to be on disability. Two years ago when I applied, he yelled at me for applying.. He said, "I will never say you're disabled, so don't ask me to.". I didn't even mention it today. HE told HER that it was time for me to get on it. I need to go print off the paperwork and fill it all out. The social worker is also going to help me find a way to pay for school. When I get on disability, it shouldn't be too much of a problem, since I'll have some income.

The thing I'm really worried about is backlash from people for being on disability. I've had people yell at me for applying and tell me that they shouldn't have to pay for my problems. My response was always, "Would you rather me die?"

I want you all to understand that I need this. I'm not one of those people who get on disability because they're lazy and addicted to painkillers. I can't work right now. I need this. Please don't feel like I'm just taking from your taxes because I'm lazy - you couldn't be farther from the truth if you think that.