My Doctor is a Nutcase.

That is about as nicely as I can put it.

We went in, already angry. We came out infuriated.

He sensed I was pissed. Basically, he said it was his nurses fault and tried to blow off the fact that HE TOLD ME we were doing Cytoxan for SURE. To cancel my upcoming Bumbershoot trip because I was going to start Cytoxan.

It was scheduled to be the Friday after I got back from Seattle. But while in Seattle, I got an outrageous tooth infection and I had to get it pulled immediatley upon coming back to Spokane. Obviously you can't begin chemotherapy with a big hole in your mouth that hasn't healed at all yet, so my mom called and postponed the chemotherapy for two weeks (August 4). We called a couple weeks ago and asked if we could do it sooner (last Friday, July 28th) because my tooth (or hole where a tooth used to be) healed really fast. The nurse said no, we're doing it for sure on August 4th. My mom says ok, assumes the appointment has been made [even though she never talked to the scheduler], and I prepare myself mentally for a month for this six month intensive chemotherapy treatment where I'm going to lose all my hair and be a hermit during. (Which I cut all of my pretty red hair off - FOR NO FUCKING REASON.)

Sean, Chad and I show up on Friday, bags in hand, in my pajamas, ready to get my chemo. I'm psyched. Let's do it. The head nurse comes out and says she doesn't think my appointment was set for today and she needs to go talk to the doctor and figure out what is going on. After waiting for an hour or more, she comes back and schedules me an appointment for Monday (today.) and that he's not even sure he wants to do the Cytoxan. This is the first I've heard.

Today we went in and had a big blow out. I was so mad, I stormed out and said flat out "I'm leaving right now because i'm really pissed." My mom and Sean were pissed as well. My mom basically told him we were sick of his bs and we're finding a new doctor. Basically, what went down is he didn't take ANY kind of responsibility for HIS screw up, blamed us and his nurses for everything. At one point during the meeting he said to Sean and my mom, "It must be really hard dealing with this." How the FUCK is that supposed to make me feel? I just got done telling him I had extreme anxiety because I have to depend on people so much. Then, right before i left the room - this is was really pissed me off.

He said "Y'know, this has been hard for us. And you have been difficult." I don't remember specifics.. But basically it's been hard for them to help me. I was like "Isn't that what you are supposed to do when someone is sick?" and that was when I broke down and said, "I'm just leaving right now because I'm really pissed off." Sean chased after me, my mom stayed back and kinda yelled at him. She came back out.

He put me back on Methotrexate, a higher dose. six 2.5mg pills a week. i just took them. Wooh can't wait to feel even shittier than I do now. I'm supposed to call on Thursday and figure out what's going on.. But I think I'm just going to call a rheumatologist, Dr. K.

I'm so fucking angry.