Meeting My Match

Sean and I had a great day together today. We met for the first time.

We met in person in River Front Park last week. He walked up and was wearing a Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back t-shirt, which I pointed out and he said, 'Yeah I thought you might appreciate that!'. We went to Boo Radley's and looked around, then we went and ate at McDonalds and then we decided to go to my house so I could show him my pictures and paraphanelia of when I met Kevin Smith. *He was deeply impressed.* We hung out for awhile, and had a great time. We talked and there weren't any akward silences.

We started talking online more and learning more about each other and how much we liked each other.

A couple days ago he came over and hung out. He missed the last bus home so he slept over. We cuddled a little bit, but no kissing happened or anything. We slept in the same bed, and it was nice. When I woke up he looked at me and said, 'I could definitely get used to waking up like this quite often.' We laid around for a few hours talking. We agreed that I would go to his place later in the night. He kisses exactly the way I like to be kissed. I talked to him the night before about everything. I've told him everything about myself, I've admitted my mistakes and regrets in my past and he is okay with them.

He's one of the strongest people I've ever met. He's gone through some heavy shit, and he's still standing and as sweet as can be.

The Love of My Life (edited title)

In September of last year, this guy on Myspace sent me a short message saying, "Hi." After I looked at his profile and saw how much we had in common, I sent him a reply listing everything we both liked, as per our mutual profiles.

Soon, we started talking online every once in awhile. I was so focused on Matt (my boyfriend at the time.), I never even thought of him as anybody other than someone I talk to online sometimes. He knows Loretta, who knows Emily, etc.

We talked a lot more about a month and a half ago about one of our mutual loves, David Cross. Then, a couple of weeks ago, he got online and said, "Guess who is going to be here next week?!?" and I immediately responded, "Chuck Palahniuk!!" We were both at the event but I didn't see him, but he saw me.

A few days ago, he got online and we talked about the Palahniuk signing event, and he sent me the photo he had taken with Chuck. I immediately liked him. His face is so sweet and sincere.

I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said that he'd wanted me to ask that since the first time he messaged me.

He is really great.

Dealing With Break Ups

We're done, and I've cried my eyes out and I'm still incredibly hurt. The sooner I realize that it was for the best, considering how inconsiderate he was to me the majority of the time, the sooner I'll move on and be happy with myself and with his decision.

He was mean to me frequently. He would say things that he just shouldn't say to someone he cares about, but I'm so passive that I'd just let it slide. I'd always think, "He's new to the whole 'having a girlfriend thing'. I let him know when things he said hurt me, and he tries to make it out to be that I'm just way too sensitive and freak out about stupid things. That's bullshit. Maybe I do sometimes, but so does he and so does everybody. I'm not sorry that I don't just smile and nod when he says mean things to me anymore. I can't do that all the time. I used to try, but I just can't do it anymore. It was really considerate of him to take me somewhere private to talk about our issues instead of just giving up, that really shows what our year long relationship has meant to him. He used to love me, I think. Or he used to love the idea of me. We just weren't right for each other.

I hope he'll learn eventually, for another girls' sake.

We broke up - again.

It's official, we're through - again. You know what's really cool of him to do after he dumped me? Laugh in my face while I cried and asked why he didn't want to work through it.

Hardcore Panic Attack

I don't know what is wrong with me, but something definitely is.

I woke up today with a really bad headache. I took a shower or whatever and felt fine, I still had the headache but I was feeling a bit better.

Then, out of nowhere, I just started freaking out, and I still really am.

I'm crying and suddenly I'm really depressed, and I don't know what to do. It's scary.

Goodbye Uncle Bill

April is the cruelest month,
breeding lilacs out of the dead land,
mixing memory and desire,
stirring dull roots with spring rain.
T S Eliot

Why have such terrible things happened in the month of April in the past few years?

In April of 2002, the 29th to be exact, my father, a bi-polar alcoholic who went undiagnosed for far too long, committed suicide.

Earlier this month, my Uncle Barry, from England, got diagnosed with Colon Cancer. Unfortunately he started showing symptoms. It is said that if you start to notice symptoms - that the cancer has gone too far and almost always deadly. He's the best person in the world. We are waiting to hear news on how progressed it is - I'm driving myself nutty worrying.

A couple days ago, my Uncle Bill committed suicide. He took a gun that his father, my great-grandfather, who passed on a few years ago, gave him and shot himself in the heart. I won't praise Bill for being a wonderful man. He had problems, but they were similar my dad's. It hurts so much. I am a little numb right now.

I go to work in a few hours too, hopefully it will take my mind off of the stress going on.

I Got A New Job!

I'm the newest Customer Service person at the mall information booth.

Always Happens to the Best

I just found out my uncle has been diagnosed with Colon Cancer and is going to be dealing with some pretty hard stuff. Please keep him in your thoughts.

I Got A Garfield Clone

It's a cute cat. I picked him up at the pound. I'm guessing he's a Norwegian Forest Cat. He's stunning, and I've named him Goomba.

Status Update

Note to self, don't forget to tell the doctor:

Tonight I had joint pain in my left elbow, right knee and all of my fingers. Also experienced a stinging sensation on my right calf.

Discoid Diagnosis

So, you remember that rash?

I saw the 900 year old pediatric oncologist today, and my blood counts were alright. My White Blood Cells were a tiny bit low, but not bad. We talked about the rash and he said that it sounded like Discoid Lupus, then he got up closer to me and said that it was DEFINITELY Discoid Lupus and he's sending me to a dermatologist. All I know about it is that it shows up in the sun. Meaning, no tan for Missy ever again. He mentioned fatigue and joint pain come with it, as well.

All the pictures of it on Google Images are pretty nasty looking - scary!

Falling Down

I fell down the stairs. I have a huge bruise on the side of my calf, on my hip and I'm bleeding from my hand.

Ouch.

Last Day

yesterday was candy hut's last night at Northtown. i'm kind of heart broken. this is now immediate pressure - "I HAVE to find a job."

Medical Status: Upgraded!

I got medical.

Until at least 2007 when they review my case.

I'm so happy right now.

Insurance Situation

A few days ago, my mom called the lady who was adjudicating my case for health insurance. My mom told her that it is currently a critical situation, because I was getting sores and bruises again. The woman wrote that down on my file.

We called yesterday to see if anything had changed, but there was no answer, so we left a message.

She returned our call today, and she wasn't allowed to tell us if it looked good or not, she did say that she made a note that it was currently a critical situation on the file and that shoud certainly help. The file is being sent out today to get accepted, or denied. We should find out by next week.

I'm excited and scared at the same time. If it happens, god wow.. I don't have to really worry about it for awhile.. But if it doesn't.. What the fuck else am I going to do?

Status Update

So I have a sore in my mouth, and have had it for a few days. For those of you that don't know, a sore in my mouth basically signifies me that my white blood cells are low. It's like an open sore around the inside of my mouth. It hurts really bad to eat, talk, move my lips, anything. Then last night, Matt and I were drinking around and he accidentally elbowing me in my mouth, causing my tooth to go into my bottom lip and it to bleed. So my mouth is all screwed up. :P

In addition to my mouth sore, I've been feeling tired and headachey for quite some time. I've also begun bruising again (caused probably by my platelets being low.) I've been short of breath and weak, (probably caused by my anemia.). Also - for those of you that don't know (how could you not?:P it's like the number one topic of conversation in my LJ.) I don't currently have health insurance, and it is a huge, huge, huge cause of the stress in my life right now.

Today, I came home from class feeling tired and having a headache, so my mom gave me a shot of Neupogen (a drug that causes my bone marrow to produce my neutrophils (white blood cells) more rapidly.) The shot kind of messed me up for the remainder of the day. I laid down at 1, and slept/laid there for about 3 hours.. Then I woke up and went to meet Matt at the mall, then we went to his house and laid down until 8:30, then I went back home. My back hurts, I have a headache, my mouth still hurts, and my body is tired. I don't want to go to bed yet, because I'm sick of feeling decrepit and tired.

My Grades

i'm going to fail systems analysis but i rule in my other classes

xhtml - 3.7 this could get higher.
programming - 3.2
intro to computer applications - above a 3.0 the final hasn't been graded yet so i donno.
and keyboarding i passed the first day, so that's a 4.0 i think..

i'll be getting a big fat 0.0 in systems analysis though

I Love Making People Laugh

There is one thing I love to do most in the world.

It's make people laugh. It makes me feel good to see someone with a smile on their face. If only I was funny enough to do stand up.

Missing School

I didn't go to school today. I really should have. It's just really hard to wake up these days, even when I get a lot of sleep. I went to bed at midnight and slept til 1 pm today. I'm getting sick again - I know it. I was really excited to go to the computer club meeting too.

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

We broke up. I don't want to go into it right now - but we did.

Here's a disgusting sexual harassment experience I had at work today.

I was doing my job, which is selling bulk candy from bins attached to a kiosk in the mall aisle. I saw an older man wearing Army fatigues walking with a little boy. When I saw him, he started waving at me somewhat aggressively. Being the friendly salesperson I am, I smile. The kid drags him to my stand, and the older man was giving me a really creepy vibe.

I went to him and told him how much the candy is, and he "accidentally" runs his shoulder into my chest as he walks by to the other side of the kiosk. I didn't think much of that, and went to stand behind the cash register. He then deliberately walks around behind me and lets his hand brush against my butt. Then he acted like he was looking around at stuff. Then he started asking me really awkward and personal questions about the Aqua Massage machines next to my kiosk. I tried to ignore him, but then he said, "I bet you like getting massaged, don't you? Not like that though, I bet you like the real thing." I didn't respond, and he was insistent. He repeated it several more times. Security couldn't find him in the building when I called.

I'm feeling a lot of things lately. Tired, stressed, liberated, depressed.

I broke up with my boyfriend and got a huge guilt trip for like three days from him about it, then my boss at my web design job was stressing me out, my friends, my family - everything. I just can't seem to do anything right.

All this stress is making me a little sick, which is in turn making me really tired. I've been sleeping at night, and then taking a 2 hour nap during the day lately.

Liberated because I don't rely on a lot of people right now. I'm working on my homework every night, reading, I bought my books by myself, my school supplies, working. etc.

It's kinda nice. I hope I don't get too sick, considering I have no health care.