Evans Syndrome Relapse and Chemo

So I just wanted to let everybody know that I went to the doctor this morning, and my Evans Syndrome is back. This weekend I'll be taking a high dose steroid to make my immune system stable, then on Monday I go in for an 8 hour chemo treatment. The three Mondays after that as well.

I Feel So Stuck

I feel like I'm stuck in time in my current station in life.

I have no job, not many friends, no talents, no hobbies, nothing to show for my life up thus far. I have a boyfriend who I care about very much, and who cares about me too. For that I'm lucky. I'm lucky for the few friends I have.

But I know that I have one thing I can always count on. My body failing me and betraying me. For late April to come along and make me stress and cry and think about how I'll never see my dad again. I've noticed that the lymph node underneath my left arm has been steadily growing larger and larger in the past few months. It's getting so large now that it's extremely uncomfortable to relax my arm at my side, to get comfortable in any position, to sleep. It even throbs sometimes and hurts. I haven't been feeling particularly well, but not horrible either. I haven't noticed if I'm feeling like my counts are up or down or what. I'm really worried about my lymph node and I discovered that there's another one right beside it that is enlarged, and another one in my neck which is smaller than the ones under my arm, but still is pretty big. I made an appointment with Dr. Reynolds for Friday. I'm so scared.

I'm stressed out, because I don't even know if I'll have medical insurance next month. I have medical bills that haven't been covered by my medical coupons. I have a credit card bill I haven't paid in six months because I can't afford it. I don't have a job, because I can't get around town to apply, and I'm too scared to even apply because what if I have to spend the next six months in and out of the hospital again? I don't want to put Sean through it, I don't want to put my mom through it again. And I sure as hell don't want to go through it again.

All I want is to go back in time and somehow figure out how to not get this disease, so I can do well in school, then go to college, live by myself, have a good job and not constantly worry about money I don't have. I want to not be insecure and paranoid and depressed. I want to make friends. I want to not be obnoxious and annoying and depressing.

Lymphnode-tacular.

I feel like I have elephantitis.

I have a enormous lymph node, literally the size of a fist, underneath my left arm. It's extremely uncomfortable for my arm to be just resting normally at my side, and it hurts sometimes. This usually isn't a good sign.

Friends Make Me Smile

Every Monday, Sean and I go to our friends' house and play Halo 2 with like 10-15 people. It's so much fun. Last night, I couldn't go, since I'm so sick.

When I talked to Sean, he told me that they made me a get well card last night.:D How cute is that?

I can't wait to see it. It really makes me smile to know that they care about me!

Still Pretty Sick

Last night, Sean came over. We didn't hang out for long, but it was comforting having him there to snuggle up to as I slept.

I swear, he's the sweetest boy ever. This morning when we woke up, I was miserable.. He wrapped me in his arms and said that he wished I wasn't so sick all the time, and that he likes to think it's his job to make me feel better.

Back To Work

My first day back to work in eight days, and I feel awful.

I threw up twice at work, once semi-in front of a customer, but he didn't know what I was doing.

Been laying in bed for a couple hours with a major headache, and I think I've developed a fever, so I just took a bath. Now I'm cold and my head still hurts.

So So So Sick re deux

Yesterday my 'cold' got increasingly worse throughout the day. I went to bed and in the middle of the night woke with a fever of 103.1. It was hard doing much of anything, sleeping, etc. last night.. My mom and I got up at 7 am and went to the ER. I was miserable until I broke a sweat and the fever went away. The ER doctor was really great and he hooked me up to IV fluids, and also hooked me up with some Demerol while I was there. I was in some serious pain. Coughing, fever, my muscles hurt, headache. My hospital visit was comfortable. I finally got to go home at about noon, and guess what? They don't know what it is. It's just something viral that I have to wait to go away. He prescribed me some Hydrocodone/Lortab for pain, and some nausea medicine. We also did a pregnancy test just in case - thank f'ing christ that came back negative. ;)

mom's making some homemade soup and I want to eat it soo bad.. but it's not ready yet.:(

So So So Sick

So, yesterday was the eight day in a row I worked at the mall information booth. Selling gift cards. At the busiest shopping time of the year. And I've been horribly ill.

Today was going to be the ninth, but I woke up and I just couldn't do it. I broke down. My tonsils are huge, my voice is gone from explaining the gift card system to every fucking customer, my head hurts, my body is weak, I'm just so exhausted. I called in, and thankfully Trina was really nice about it and just said, "Just stay home, it's okay, we'll be okay." And so I did. I just took half of a pill and I'm going to lay in bed. I wish it would all just go away.

Emergency Emergency

So I talked to my doctor yesterday and he told me to go to the ER for a strep test.

So about 4 pm, my mom and I went to the ER. The dr. asked if I wanted pain medication and I said, 'Heck yes!' so they gave me 2 lortabs which are really strong. It knocked me out for the three hours we were there. They took a chest x-ray, put in a hep lock, withdrew blood. Then we sat around until they let us know that he is going to treat me for Bronchitis. So he sent me home with some antibiotics and orders for rest. How did I get bronchitis?

Tests, Tests, Tests.

So today was my CT Scan. I had to go in at 10:30 am and get an IV put in. Apparently, when they do CT Scans, sometimes they put in a buncha dye so things appear better or something. The dye makes you feel so messed up... You get really warm all over, and you feel like you peed your pants, even though you didn't. it was weird. my vagina was all warm.:D haha. So, after it was done, we went up and waited around for my old, stupid doctor to come in and talk to us.

He came in and told us that the CT Scan was fine. He started talking about how he was sending me to a Dr. Patterson for my depression, and a Dr. Macdonald (a neurologist) for my headaches. Then we started talking about how the pain is over bearing and it is making me hard to do everyday things.. I can't do very much for very long or else my head just hurts too bad and I have to lay down. Going to work is miserable anymore. I try to just ignore the pain and still hang out with my friends and have a good time and have a good social life, but the headache gets worse, and then it makes me tired and grouchy, then I need to lay down all the time to try to get the pain to dull down a little bit. I can't play video games for long, I can't play music for long, I can't read for very long.. He told me that these pills would really help - but you can only get them in Canada. Then he started talking about Neurontin.

When he said that word, my mom and I both jumped up and basically told him that there's no fucking way I'm ever getting near Neurontin. It killed my father and it's a horrible fucking drug. It's only been FDA approved to be prescribed for epilepsy, but the pharmacutical companies push doctors to prescribe it for things like pain and bi-polar disorder. It has never been tested for pain or bi-polar, and one of the side effects is suicidal tendencies.

When my dad went to the hospital in April of 2002, he told them he was suicidal and was bi-polar. So they send him home with a bottle of 60 Neurontin. Hmm, give a suicidal man a drug that causes suicidal tendencies and send him home? What the fuck did they think he was going to do? So Dr. Reynolds told me that I could take either of those, but he's not going to prescribe me any pain medication. He knows I'm in pain, he knows that it's bad, but he won't fucking give me anything and won't respect the fact that I have a good fucking reason not to take the drug he wants to prescribe.

I want to just give up, I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't want to have to quit my job, get on unemployment and sit on my fat ass all day for the rest of my life.

Marijuana is the only thing right now I can do to make the pain go away, and it's illegal. I can't believe this country.

Missing So Much Work

I woke up this morning with a fever of 101, and an awful headache. Had to call in sick, AGAIN, they're so going to fire me, and go to the doctor.

Nothing is wrong, virus, THANK CHRIST. just have to relax til I get better. :(

Another Swollen Lymphnode

I found another swollen lymphnode. It's sore. I'm so scared.

It's on my neck, behind my ear. It's sticking out.. The size of a big pea.

In Bad Shape

So I woke up this morning with Sean by my side, and in dire pain. At least he was by me, it made me feel a little better to have a cuddle before he went to work. Horrible headache, extremely tired, mouth sores, and any cut or bruise on my body was hurting ten times worse than yesterday. Fuck I hate this.

Had my mom bring me my pain medication, sudafed, milk and ice water.

Sean left, I took a bath, and am now thoroughly doped up. I'm going to go read the next Preacher comic (which, by the way, are fucking awesome.) and rest. I can't believe my doctor actually ordered me to rest this weekend. He prescribed it.

Doctor's actually do that?

Home Sweet Home.

I'm home from a fourday hospital visit, finally.

On Tuesday I went to Dr. Reynolds to have my six month check up, and also because I was concerned because one of my lymphnodes was swelling up again and I was getting really tired again. He told me I had to stay that night to get some IVIGG, and come in the next day to get some more.

I didn't get to leave until 11 pm on Tuesday night since they didn't start the treatment until 4:45, and it takes six hours to give it to me. So I came in on Wednesday at 9 am, and they immediately started the IVIGG, but they accidentally started giving it to me at a really high rate, so I threw up.Then, because of the vomiting, my doctor made me stay overnight. Then yesterday, since I have bad headaches, he wanted me to get an MRI. So I got an MRI and had to stay overnight again, and now I'm home. Finally. Nothing's wrong with my MRI, so that's good.

I'm tired, and I have to miss a lot of work which pisses me off. I don't want to get fired.

Lymphnodes

I'm pretty worried right now.

My lymphnode has been growing again. So large that it's really bothering me to keep my arm down. I've also been sleeping a lot.

I've been in remission for about two years now. I was really hoping that it would be the end of it for a long long time.

If I'm sick again.. I'll have to quit my job, and stop doing a lot of the things I love to do. I'll be a hermit again and lose any friends I do have. I'm scared. Should I tell Sean? I don't want to worry him.. but he should know, right?

Men.

Matt called the other night a little intoxicated. He wanted to know why I would try us again. I told him how it is. I'm with Sean. I like Sean. I don't want to go through being with someone who doesn't appreciate me again. I'm tired of it. I finally found someone who treats me nicely, who I get along with and have so much fun with.

Meeting My Match

Sean and I had a great day together today. We met for the first time.

We met in person in River Front Park last week. He walked up and was wearing a Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back t-shirt, which I pointed out and he said, 'Yeah I thought you might appreciate that!'. We went to Boo Radley's and looked around, then we went and ate at McDonalds and then we decided to go to my house so I could show him my pictures and paraphanelia of when I met Kevin Smith. *He was deeply impressed.* We hung out for awhile, and had a great time. We talked and there weren't any akward silences.

We started talking online more and learning more about each other and how much we liked each other.

A couple days ago he came over and hung out. He missed the last bus home so he slept over. We cuddled a little bit, but no kissing happened or anything. We slept in the same bed, and it was nice. When I woke up he looked at me and said, 'I could definitely get used to waking up like this quite often.' We laid around for a few hours talking. We agreed that I would go to his place later in the night. He kisses exactly the way I like to be kissed. I talked to him the night before about everything. I've told him everything about myself, I've admitted my mistakes and regrets in my past and he is okay with them.

He's one of the strongest people I've ever met. He's gone through some heavy shit, and he's still standing and as sweet as can be.

The Love of My Life (edited title)

In September of last year, this guy on Myspace sent me a short message saying, "Hi." After I looked at his profile and saw how much we had in common, I sent him a reply listing everything we both liked, as per our mutual profiles.

Soon, we started talking online every once in awhile. I was so focused on Matt (my boyfriend at the time.), I never even thought of him as anybody other than someone I talk to online sometimes. He knows Loretta, who knows Emily, etc.

We talked a lot more about a month and a half ago about one of our mutual loves, David Cross. Then, a couple of weeks ago, he got online and said, "Guess who is going to be here next week?!?" and I immediately responded, "Chuck Palahniuk!!" We were both at the event but I didn't see him, but he saw me.

A few days ago, he got online and we talked about the Palahniuk signing event, and he sent me the photo he had taken with Chuck. I immediately liked him. His face is so sweet and sincere.

I asked him if he had a girlfriend and he said that he'd wanted me to ask that since the first time he messaged me.

He is really great.

Dealing With Break Ups

We're done, and I've cried my eyes out and I'm still incredibly hurt. The sooner I realize that it was for the best, considering how inconsiderate he was to me the majority of the time, the sooner I'll move on and be happy with myself and with his decision.

He was mean to me frequently. He would say things that he just shouldn't say to someone he cares about, but I'm so passive that I'd just let it slide. I'd always think, "He's new to the whole 'having a girlfriend thing'. I let him know when things he said hurt me, and he tries to make it out to be that I'm just way too sensitive and freak out about stupid things. That's bullshit. Maybe I do sometimes, but so does he and so does everybody. I'm not sorry that I don't just smile and nod when he says mean things to me anymore. I can't do that all the time. I used to try, but I just can't do it anymore. It was really considerate of him to take me somewhere private to talk about our issues instead of just giving up, that really shows what our year long relationship has meant to him. He used to love me, I think. Or he used to love the idea of me. We just weren't right for each other.

I hope he'll learn eventually, for another girls' sake.

We broke up - again.

It's official, we're through - again. You know what's really cool of him to do after he dumped me? Laugh in my face while I cried and asked why he didn't want to work through it.