She's On A Roll

My mom and I are watching TV together, and she looks over at me and tels me that my stomach looks really fat and I've gained weight and I look pregnant. Thanks mom! I'm 5'7, 140 lbs - Sounds about normal to me.

Needlessly Cruel and Ignorant People

A lot of high school drama involving a "feud" between myself and multiple members of the school band. I was never really friends with them or said much to them, but suddenly they started accusing me of things that were completely false. They took someones relationship and misconstrued it to their liking. They had never really talked to me about it to my face, only cowardly said cruel things behind my back. One of them was a boy who, for no reason at all, called me a "dyke". While eating lunch, I asked him why he would say that about me? He said, "Because everybody knows you sleep around!" Of course, I was a virgin at the time.

After high school, a friend of mine has still maintained contact with them, though reluctantly. He always considered one of them an uptight, demanding and controlling woman. I haven't spoken or even though about this group of people in two years. The friend of mine ended up mentioning something about my having to go through chemotherapy. Her response? "Karma." with a pretty little smile.

Doctor Ridiculousness

So, yesterday at the hospital we discussed the possibility of my getting some pain medication for this week, since the Rituxan has been getting worse and worse.

Usually, when we ask my 70 year old doctor to fill out a prescription for me - he manages to screw it up somehow. One time he wrote to give me 7.5mg of a certain pain medication. We get to the pharmacist and he tells us that 7.5mg of that particular drug doesn't exist. My mom had to go all the way back to the hospital to get the doctor to write something else, while I'm at home in pain right after surgery.

Well, since he left before I did yesterday, my mom had to go to the hospital and pick up his prescription for me. He's giving me Oxycodone which is a very high prescription drug that a lot of people get addicted to and abuse. Therefore - he can't call it into the pharmacy, he has to write it, and it needs to be physically handed to the Pharmacist. Well, my mom brings it to the pharmacy and the Pharmacist - Ron, a super old guy who's really nice and we always BS with, tells us that Dr. Reynolds, the dingbat, didn't SIGN THE PRESCRIPTION. So my mom is stressing out, because she has to go back to the hospital to get him to sign it then go back to the pharmacy then be at work by 3pm.

I was bitten by a dog

Here's the whole story, since I never really elaborated on it.

I had started noticing that neighborhood dogs have been running free. Once, I was walking by a house that was three houses away, across the street. And a big white dog started to approach me, showing his teeth and obviously looking for a fight. I stood very still and called my mom on her cell phone so she could help me get him away. She pulled up in the car to separate us. We called animal control. There's a leash-law in Spokane that means dogs can't be off a leash unless they're fenced in, and this guy wasn't. So, we called animal control, because I walked that way very frequently to catch the bus and didn't want any more confrontations with Mr. Meanie Dog.

Then a couple times when I was walking to or from the bus stop, passing by the house that is three doors away from my house on the same block. A young girl (Her name is Misty.) , about my age, is standing in her doorway with the screen door open, kinda half-calling for her dog to come in the house. The dog is in the yard barking, and he is MEAN. She is just standing there, while he's barking at me and scaring me, so finally I told her "Quit being fucking lazy and come get your god damned dog away from me." or something along those lines. After that happened, I'd seen her doing the same thing. Fucking laziness.

So on June 16th, I get off the bus from work to come home, and I'm walking up my street, and Misty is standing outside with her dog, who is barking fiercely, and a friend who is getting into her car. Misty is in the yard with the dog, who runs at me.. So I stop - it worked last time. My thoughts are, if I stay still maybe he'll leave me alone. He then bites me on my right ass cheek - close to my upper thigh. Misty is doing nothing to try and get her dog away from me. Finally I said, "Get your fucking dog away from me right now, he just bit me." She ignores me, and continues to talk to her friend. I yell again "GET YOUR DOG AWAY FROM ME OR I'M GOING TO CALL ANIMAL CONTROL." This girl, does she apologize for her dog biting me? Like a normal person would do? Oh no.. She says these exact words, "Do something, bitch." I say "Oh don't fucking worry you little bitch, I'm calling animal control and getting your dog taken away from you."

I storm home, take off my pants and I see that I have a bloody bite mark - I have photos. We call animal control, and the bitch avoids them to the point of her not getting in any trouble and the dog not being isolated or anything. She gets away with it.

The same dog bit the mailman a few days ago. Misty fought with him about it as well. I'm taking this stupid woman to court.

STATUS UPDATE

I just got out of the hospital for my last Rituxan treatment. The first week was awful because I had two nurses who are lazy, cackling hens. The second and third weeks, I had different nurses, who were wonderful. Today I had the same nurses from the first week and had problems again. I'm going to write an evaluation.

Dr. Reynolds told me that my Neutrophil's (white blood cells) are pretty low, so I shouldn't be playing 'tackle football' or anything like that. I'm supposed to just take it easy. The Rituxan has been increasingly more tiresome and painful on my body, so we requested some pain medication to take home. I have another appointment on Friday to be checked up on. I won't know if I have to continue treatment until then.

Dream Entry

I had a couple strange dreams on Saturday night/ Sunday morning, Mother's Day.

The first dream was about Les, my step-dad. I had woken up in the middle of the night and went to the basement door and he was down there, drunk, mumbling about how angry he was at me and what a failure I am. The next day he said he was leaving my mom because he didn't like me. I woke up, then went back to sleep.

I then had a dream about my dad. It was my house, but the rooms were arranged differently. It seemed as though we were really poor. I got up at night again, and went to my mom's room. There were two beds, and a TV. My mom was in one of the beds snoring.. Then I went to the kitchen and looked out the window to the back yard. The garage light was on and the door was wide open. Then I saw my dad outside by the big tree pulling his hair back and my mom said something about him wanting to wax his head. Then I got into bed with my mom and I looked out the door and my dad was sitting in the living room in the semi-dark glaring at me. Then I woke up.

It doesn't sound nearly as awful now that I type it all out. But on Sunday morning.. I cried and cried. Sean held me and we talked and I felt better, but man.. I felt so awful.

I keep waking up in a sweat. I hate it. Chemotherapy sucks.

Avoiding Tomorrow Like My Plague

'm to be awake at 6:45 am tomorrow, so that I can go to the hospital, have a hole (probably a lot more) poked in me, and have a bunch of poison run through my blood. Pretty awesome, eh? So not excited. The steroids have helped my lymph nodes go down in size, dramatically, although the huge one under my left arm is still bigger than usual.

Evans Syndrome Relapse and Chemo

So I just wanted to let everybody know that I went to the doctor this morning, and my Evans Syndrome is back. This weekend I'll be taking a high dose steroid to make my immune system stable, then on Monday I go in for an 8 hour chemo treatment. The three Mondays after that as well.

I Feel So Stuck

I feel like I'm stuck in time in my current station in life.

I have no job, not many friends, no talents, no hobbies, nothing to show for my life up thus far. I have a boyfriend who I care about very much, and who cares about me too. For that I'm lucky. I'm lucky for the few friends I have.

But I know that I have one thing I can always count on. My body failing me and betraying me. For late April to come along and make me stress and cry and think about how I'll never see my dad again. I've noticed that the lymph node underneath my left arm has been steadily growing larger and larger in the past few months. It's getting so large now that it's extremely uncomfortable to relax my arm at my side, to get comfortable in any position, to sleep. It even throbs sometimes and hurts. I haven't been feeling particularly well, but not horrible either. I haven't noticed if I'm feeling like my counts are up or down or what. I'm really worried about my lymph node and I discovered that there's another one right beside it that is enlarged, and another one in my neck which is smaller than the ones under my arm, but still is pretty big. I made an appointment with Dr. Reynolds for Friday. I'm so scared.

I'm stressed out, because I don't even know if I'll have medical insurance next month. I have medical bills that haven't been covered by my medical coupons. I have a credit card bill I haven't paid in six months because I can't afford it. I don't have a job, because I can't get around town to apply, and I'm too scared to even apply because what if I have to spend the next six months in and out of the hospital again? I don't want to put Sean through it, I don't want to put my mom through it again. And I sure as hell don't want to go through it again.

All I want is to go back in time and somehow figure out how to not get this disease, so I can do well in school, then go to college, live by myself, have a good job and not constantly worry about money I don't have. I want to not be insecure and paranoid and depressed. I want to make friends. I want to not be obnoxious and annoying and depressing.

Lymphnode-tacular.

I feel like I have elephantitis.

I have a enormous lymph node, literally the size of a fist, underneath my left arm. It's extremely uncomfortable for my arm to be just resting normally at my side, and it hurts sometimes. This usually isn't a good sign.

Friends Make Me Smile

Every Monday, Sean and I go to our friends' house and play Halo 2 with like 10-15 people. It's so much fun. Last night, I couldn't go, since I'm so sick.

When I talked to Sean, he told me that they made me a get well card last night.:D How cute is that?

I can't wait to see it. It really makes me smile to know that they care about me!

Still Pretty Sick

Last night, Sean came over. We didn't hang out for long, but it was comforting having him there to snuggle up to as I slept.

I swear, he's the sweetest boy ever. This morning when we woke up, I was miserable.. He wrapped me in his arms and said that he wished I wasn't so sick all the time, and that he likes to think it's his job to make me feel better.

Back To Work

My first day back to work in eight days, and I feel awful.

I threw up twice at work, once semi-in front of a customer, but he didn't know what I was doing.

Been laying in bed for a couple hours with a major headache, and I think I've developed a fever, so I just took a bath. Now I'm cold and my head still hurts.

So So So Sick re deux

Yesterday my 'cold' got increasingly worse throughout the day. I went to bed and in the middle of the night woke with a fever of 103.1. It was hard doing much of anything, sleeping, etc. last night.. My mom and I got up at 7 am and went to the ER. I was miserable until I broke a sweat and the fever went away. The ER doctor was really great and he hooked me up to IV fluids, and also hooked me up with some Demerol while I was there. I was in some serious pain. Coughing, fever, my muscles hurt, headache. My hospital visit was comfortable. I finally got to go home at about noon, and guess what? They don't know what it is. It's just something viral that I have to wait to go away. He prescribed me some Hydrocodone/Lortab for pain, and some nausea medicine. We also did a pregnancy test just in case - thank f'ing christ that came back negative. ;)

mom's making some homemade soup and I want to eat it soo bad.. but it's not ready yet.:(

So So So Sick

So, yesterday was the eight day in a row I worked at the mall information booth. Selling gift cards. At the busiest shopping time of the year. And I've been horribly ill.

Today was going to be the ninth, but I woke up and I just couldn't do it. I broke down. My tonsils are huge, my voice is gone from explaining the gift card system to every fucking customer, my head hurts, my body is weak, I'm just so exhausted. I called in, and thankfully Trina was really nice about it and just said, "Just stay home, it's okay, we'll be okay." And so I did. I just took half of a pill and I'm going to lay in bed. I wish it would all just go away.

Emergency Emergency

So I talked to my doctor yesterday and he told me to go to the ER for a strep test.

So about 4 pm, my mom and I went to the ER. The dr. asked if I wanted pain medication and I said, 'Heck yes!' so they gave me 2 lortabs which are really strong. It knocked me out for the three hours we were there. They took a chest x-ray, put in a hep lock, withdrew blood. Then we sat around until they let us know that he is going to treat me for Bronchitis. So he sent me home with some antibiotics and orders for rest. How did I get bronchitis?

Tests, Tests, Tests.

So today was my CT Scan. I had to go in at 10:30 am and get an IV put in. Apparently, when they do CT Scans, sometimes they put in a buncha dye so things appear better or something. The dye makes you feel so messed up... You get really warm all over, and you feel like you peed your pants, even though you didn't. it was weird. my vagina was all warm.:D haha. So, after it was done, we went up and waited around for my old, stupid doctor to come in and talk to us.

He came in and told us that the CT Scan was fine. He started talking about how he was sending me to a Dr. Patterson for my depression, and a Dr. Macdonald (a neurologist) for my headaches. Then we started talking about how the pain is over bearing and it is making me hard to do everyday things.. I can't do very much for very long or else my head just hurts too bad and I have to lay down. Going to work is miserable anymore. I try to just ignore the pain and still hang out with my friends and have a good time and have a good social life, but the headache gets worse, and then it makes me tired and grouchy, then I need to lay down all the time to try to get the pain to dull down a little bit. I can't play video games for long, I can't play music for long, I can't read for very long.. He told me that these pills would really help - but you can only get them in Canada. Then he started talking about Neurontin.

When he said that word, my mom and I both jumped up and basically told him that there's no fucking way I'm ever getting near Neurontin. It killed my father and it's a horrible fucking drug. It's only been FDA approved to be prescribed for epilepsy, but the pharmacutical companies push doctors to prescribe it for things like pain and bi-polar disorder. It has never been tested for pain or bi-polar, and one of the side effects is suicidal tendencies.

When my dad went to the hospital in April of 2002, he told them he was suicidal and was bi-polar. So they send him home with a bottle of 60 Neurontin. Hmm, give a suicidal man a drug that causes suicidal tendencies and send him home? What the fuck did they think he was going to do? So Dr. Reynolds told me that I could take either of those, but he's not going to prescribe me any pain medication. He knows I'm in pain, he knows that it's bad, but he won't fucking give me anything and won't respect the fact that I have a good fucking reason not to take the drug he wants to prescribe.

I want to just give up, I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't want to have to quit my job, get on unemployment and sit on my fat ass all day for the rest of my life.

Marijuana is the only thing right now I can do to make the pain go away, and it's illegal. I can't believe this country.

Missing So Much Work

I woke up this morning with a fever of 101, and an awful headache. Had to call in sick, AGAIN, they're so going to fire me, and go to the doctor.

Nothing is wrong, virus, THANK CHRIST. just have to relax til I get better. :(

Another Swollen Lymphnode

I found another swollen lymphnode. It's sore. I'm so scared.

It's on my neck, behind my ear. It's sticking out.. The size of a big pea.

In Bad Shape

So I woke up this morning with Sean by my side, and in dire pain. At least he was by me, it made me feel a little better to have a cuddle before he went to work. Horrible headache, extremely tired, mouth sores, and any cut or bruise on my body was hurting ten times worse than yesterday. Fuck I hate this.

Had my mom bring me my pain medication, sudafed, milk and ice water.

Sean left, I took a bath, and am now thoroughly doped up. I'm going to go read the next Preacher comic (which, by the way, are fucking awesome.) and rest. I can't believe my doctor actually ordered me to rest this weekend. He prescribed it.

Doctor's actually do that?

Home Sweet Home.

I'm home from a fourday hospital visit, finally.

On Tuesday I went to Dr. Reynolds to have my six month check up, and also because I was concerned because one of my lymphnodes was swelling up again and I was getting really tired again. He told me I had to stay that night to get some IVIGG, and come in the next day to get some more.

I didn't get to leave until 11 pm on Tuesday night since they didn't start the treatment until 4:45, and it takes six hours to give it to me. So I came in on Wednesday at 9 am, and they immediately started the IVIGG, but they accidentally started giving it to me at a really high rate, so I threw up.Then, because of the vomiting, my doctor made me stay overnight. Then yesterday, since I have bad headaches, he wanted me to get an MRI. So I got an MRI and had to stay overnight again, and now I'm home. Finally. Nothing's wrong with my MRI, so that's good.

I'm tired, and I have to miss a lot of work which pisses me off. I don't want to get fired.